Missing
by paperbkryter
Summary: Post All Hell Breaks Loose II ficlet  set inside Sam's head.


I know you're not really sleeping. I always know. It's not some psychic thing either. How long did we share a room as kids? We've been on the road together almost two years now. I know you're awake.

I know you can feel it too, the same sense of wrongness I've felt ever since I woke up alone in that room...did you think I wouldn't know? Denial is a beautiful thing, but when the evidence starts piling up, it's hard to ignore the truth. What do they say? Evidence doesn't lie. It was one of the first things I learned about the legal process.

A pool of blood, a nasty scar from a newly healed wound, people who look at you like they've seen a ghost...it adds up. I died, and I know you. I know you, Dean, so well, there was no doubt in my mind what you did. I don't even need to ask why.

I should have stayed dead. You didn't bring me back for my sake. You brought me back because you couldn't take the pain caused by your own, stupid, overblown sense of guilt and responsibility.

You're just like Dad. You're exactly like Dad, and I know you're hiding something from me just like he did. He knew about me, and the demon's plans, for God knows how long and he never said a damn word! Didn't he think I have the right to know the truth about myself? Don't you? We've had this argument before. What did the demon tell you, Dean? I saw the look on your face, like you got kicked in the gut. You looked at me right afterward, so don't you dare try to bullshit me into thinking it didn't tell you something.

Maybe I already know. Maybe you knew too, or at least suspected, long before it spilled the beans. I'm not what I was before. There's something missing. Something got left behind when I came back. Maybe it was destroyed when I died, and was beyond the crossroad demon's ability to repair.

I can lie now. Oh, I could before, sure, but not like this. I never wanted to lie to you or anyone else. I liked the clarity of the truth and the peace of mind having it out there in the open gave me. Well now I've got peace of mind, but I don't have to tell the truth anymore. I don't have to tell you or anybody else the truth about anything. In fact, I'm not.

You asked me about the visions, the abilities. I lied, Dean. They're still here, and stronger than before. I told you about what Ava could do. You saw what Jake did. I've got those abilities and many more. You'd be amazed at what I could do if I wanted. I think you'd be amazed at what I _would _do too.

I can kill now. I killed Jake and there was no remorse, no guilt. Turn, walk away, and never think about it again – I can do that. I can cheat, and steal, and hurt people, even the people I care about. I let Ellen live for your sake, you know. I could have killed Jake sooner if I'd sacrificed her, and I would have if you and Bobby hadn't been there.

Funny thing is, I know I should be scared, but I don't feel that anymore either. I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid of anything. What's the worse thing that could happen? Death? Been there, done that.

I can still feel sadness and joy, but I wonder how long that will last. I grieved for Dad, I felt happy he found peace. I'm saddened by the fact you sacrificed your soul for my life. But I owe you a debt, Dean and that's all it really is to me. No guilt, remember? Only cold, hard fact. I have an obligation to fulfill. It is this debt that keeps me here, searching for a way to save you despite my ever increasing apathy.

I don't feel fear, but I should be frightened.

I should be _very_ frightened, because I've realized something tonight. I've realized I can kill you. It would be nothing for me to pick up a gun and put a bullet in your head right now. I wouldn't hesitate. I'd send you to into abyss without a second thought. I'd do it, and then walk right out the door without looking back. I would miss you. I would grieve for you, but I wouldn't look back. I wouldn't stop myself from pulling the trigger and I would not condemn myself for doing it either. You would simply be dead. Period. Stop.

I would just move on down the path of my destiny, whatever the hell that may be now.

I know you're awake. What are you thinking? You know I could find out if I wanted to, but you'd sense me doing it. Better for me to lay low about the abilities – for now.

You may be thinking about what the demon told you. Is this what it said? Did it describe to you how I am and will always be from now on?

I could kill you Dean, and I wouldn't trade my soul for yours.

I don't think I have one anymore.


End file.
